The Last Chapter

Proof that it is time for me to go home? I got slapped in the head by a crazy lady on the street this week and I didn’t even mind. Seriously. There is this lady that walks around Mbeya town with an insane big red streaked weave, wearing bright crazy eye makeup and powder made for white faces, sometimes carrying a stuffed animal, always arguing with herself. Usually she just struts around town in her own little world, but not this time. She was walking down the hill and I was walking up the hill on the main street in front of the post office. She was yelling at herself, I was texting. Next thing I know, she’s yelling at me. I tried to ignore her and just step around her and keep walking, but she stepped in front of me and got in my face yelling who knows what. When I tried to step around her again, she was indignant and pulled back and straight up slapped me up the side of my head. Everyone walking around us on the street stopped and stared, waiting for my reaction. To my great surprise, I didn’t even skip a beat. I just kept texting and walked right on by her. That’s how at peace I am with finishing my service this week.
It’s weird. I feel I’ve been counting down the days until I get to go home for such a long time, that now all of the sudden that its down to 1, it feels like it just snuck up on me. I don’t really think it has hit me yet. I said goodbye to my village on Monday and it just felt so calm and normal, not like it was goodbye forever. Then I went to Matema Beach on Lake Malawi one last time for a couple of my PCV friends’ wedding. I didn’t feel like that was the last opportunity to hang out with those people in Tanzania. Sunday morning I said goodbye to my friends in Mbeya. But it didn’t feel like goodbye goodbye. More like a bye, I have to go to Dar, I’ll see you next week kind of bye.
But it’s real. It’s happening. It’s over.
And how can I really sum up these last 2 years? I can’t. It’s too much to process all at once. I don’t really know if I have done anything truly significant for the betterment of Tanzania. But (as completely cheesy as it sounds) I know that Tanzania has done something for the betterment of me. I wanted to grow up a little. To test myself. To push myself out of my comfort zone. To learn to survive and thrive out on my own, in unfamiliar territory. I’m more confident in my own skin. I feel like I know myself better. I’ve become more confortable with silence and stillness and just sitting. But I still have a thirst for more. I can’t wait for the next chapter in my life. I truly have no idea what the future holds for me. I’m not even sure which continent I’ll be on this time next year. But I’ve developed an ability to take life as it comes. Make plans if you want to, but adjust them when you need to.
I used to always need to know the next step. And although I still like to have an idea of what’s ahead, I can just enjoy the moment better due to this experience. It’s okay to slow down once in a while. It’s okay to change your mind. I’ve somehow come to the conclusion that I want to go to nursing school when I get home, even though I’ve never considering that career path before in my life. I’m craving something a little more concrete after two years of blowing in the wind. It’s been a great period to explore and grow, and now I want a little structure. At least for a while. Then maybe I won’t. And that will be ok too. That’s one aspect of nursing that really appeals to me, that you can do almost anything almost anywhere in the world with it.
And the best bonus of this once in a lifetime experience…finding the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. During my application process, my recruiter mentioned that a lot of people do find love in the Peace Corps. Mine may be in an unusual way, meeting a Brazilian in Tanzania rather than a fellow Peace Corps Volunteer or Host Country National, but I think that’s one thing that makes it so great. All of the tiny decisions we made that brought us here and put us together. Fate, if you ask me. I’m so glad that I’ll always have someone who understands this period in my life, because he experienced it right along with me. He’s been there through some of the toughest most stressful times that I’ve probably ever had (everything is a million times more dramatic feeling when you’re so far from home in a place so unlike home).
And now we get to let life take us wherever it will together in this next chapter of our lives. No, stratch that. I feel like this is the last chapter of an entirely different book in my life. Nothing will ever be quite like these last two years have been. A first year PCV friend of mine asked me the other day if I had to do all over again knowing everything that I know now, would I still choose to become a Peace Corps Volunteer, and I answered her, definitely. Despite all of the annoyances and the homesickness and the setbacks, this complete experience has been completely worth it. I don’t see how anyone could ever possibly regret being a PCV.
So though I’m here in Dar, completing the COS (close of service) process, I agree with what they told us at our COS conference in May. Not to think of this as the close of service, but just preparing for a continuation of service. For a lifetime of giving back to the world that has given me so much. For continuing to live life always wanting to learn more, to do more. To see as much of this playground of a world we live in as possible. And to keep asking myself the question that Peace Corps first asked me over 2 years ago, “Life is calling, how far will you go?”

Some things never change. In every part of the world. But it seems like here in Tanzania, MANY things never change. In fact, MOST things never change. But is that a good thing or a bad thing?

In America, we embrace change and progress. We sing its praises. We think it’s the only way to go. But what’s to say for things saying the same? In Tanzania, there is little uncertainty. People know what they are going to be doing, tomorrow, next weekend, five years from now…because it is what they have always done. And it is what everyone else has always done. And while that may sound sad to you, I think it is in some ways comforting and reassuring to most of the people living in that eternal cycle here. They know their role in their society, and they fulfill it, and they feel like they have accomplished all that they need to accomplish.

To me, looking at them from an American perspective, I tend feel sorry for many of them, working all day, one day to the next, never daring to hope for more, never getting those opportunities that I have taken for granted my entire life. And I don’t think that it is wrong to try to give them a little hope and encouragement, to show them that there is more for them in life if they are brave enough to go for it. To tell them that they don’t have to just accept their lot in life because its what their mothers had and their grandmothers had. To show them that it is possible to be educated and to travel and to excel.

But I also don’t think that I am the only one that has something to teach them. I see that they have things that I don’t have. Like that they are not always in a hurry, they know how to just sit and relax and talk with their neighbors. They don’t always feel like they need to be doing something or going somewhere. They don’t feel guilty for taking some time to do absolutely nothing. They don’t feel like there is a certain amount of things they must accomplish in a day or in a life in order to feel successful. They just wake up, and do what they can. They take their time. And that would be nice, to be able to take life one day at a time the way that they do.

And so with change and progress, there is a delicate balance. I personally believe that it is good to grow and evolve and try new and different things in life. But I have also learned that change just for the sake of change and progress for the sake of progress is not necessarily a good thing. It not only has to be needed, but it must be wanted. Which is what I’m gradually beginning to get into my thick skull. I can’t make anyone want to come learn new, more nutritious ways of cooking, they must feel on their own that it is something that they need and want. I can’t make anyone learn to save their money, or make a budget, or plant new vegetables, or make their own compost, they have to have that spark within that tells them that things don’t have to always stay the same. They have to know for themselves that many times change can be good and that progress can lead to an easier life. But its not my job to thrust that change upon them, I’m just supposed to be here when they ask for it.

Back in the Loop

Soooooooooo, we meet again. Sorry its been so long. For a while there I just didn't really have anything to say, then I didn't really have anything positive to say, then I got a little wrapped up in my personal life. But now I'm back. I'm going to try to get back on schedule. Really, you didn't miss too much. Apart from me getting engaged and going on vacation back to America for two weeks then on to Brazil for two more weeks to meet my future in-laws. I'm actually on my way back to Tanzania right now.

I definately believe that the vacation served its purpose. I feel rested and recharged and remotivated and ready to get back in there and try to do some productive things. I was kind of in a slump for a while there. I was starting to let my village's overall feelings of apathy get to me. I was thinking that if they didn't care about anything that I was trying to do, then why should I even try? But trying is the whole point. I'm supposed to give them the opportunities and the people that want to take them will. I'm supposed to show them what could be and those that want it to be will make it happen. I'm supposed to be the spark that gets the fire going, but the have to be the one to fuel it to keep it burning.

I knew it wasn't going to be easy, this whole experience, but I thought it would get easier. I thought I may work on an exponential curve, very slow at first then all of the sudden be so busy and accomplished. But I guess that old tortoise was right, slow and steady. I see now that I've just got to keep chipping at it piece by piece. Some of the ideas and concepts I bring to them are things that they've never really considered. Life has always been a certain way, for hundreds of years, and I am just now brining some new things to them that they have to digest. I know that I don't have to take my little village with no electricity or plumbing and turn it into a industrial metropolis in the two year period I've been given. All I have to do is be a resource for those that want to try to make their lives and the lives of their families and neighbors a little bit better. Step by step. Day by day.

So basically I plan on just doing what I was doing. Go to teach that English class and the kids that want to learn, will. Go to have that widow's group meeting and the women that want to participate, will. Have a nutritious cooking class for mothers and those that want to come, will. And that's all I can expect. And that's just fine.

So that's me making my peace with my challenging work situation. And my personal life is going great. My wedding planning is on track and my fiance's family is so nice and welcoming. Despite them not speaking English and me not speaking Portuguese, I didn't feel at all excluded. I immediately felt like a part of the family. Brazil is a great place to be. Not only are the people great, but it is so beautiful! My fiance, Joao Paulo, and I, along with his oldest brother and his brother's wife went for a drive in the mountains near his house a couple of days ago and went way up to a spot where paragliders launch and it was such an amazing view. A little scary since we were standing right on the edge of a mountain with no guardrails or anything like that, but still, so beautiful. Everything was so lush and green. There was even a waterfall in the distance. And the breeze up there was fabulous especially considering that it was 100 degrees down below.

That oppressive heat with no AC was a great contrast to the 20 degree weather that I came back into when I landed back in Florida. I actually even got to see a little snow flurry when we stopped for gas at 5 in the morning. It hasn't snowed in Florida since I was about 2. I think that's a good sign. I think that means 2010 is going to be a good year....